Doing Good Something Well

A man and a woman sat in the teachers' lounge in mid-afternoon, sharing a pot of tea and arguing about the English language. The man, a science teacher, had been grading essays on Einstein's work in the field of electromagnetism when he'd been stumped by what he thought to be a grammatical error on the part of a student. In a new initiative to approach education in a more holistic manner, their principal had been promoting "cross-training", as he called it, among subjects. History teachers were encouraged to include simple math problems on tests. Math teachers were tasked to integrate the complex numerical elements of composers like Bach into their lessons. It was even suggested to gym teachers that they conduct annual chariot games and assign each student a classical name like Diagoras or Astylos. Many teachers hadn't fully bought into the concept yet; but some were trying.

The science teacher repeated his question again, at the request of his colleague, an English teacher. "Is it he did something good OR he did something well?"

The woman, an English teacher, turned her head to the side once more. "I honestly think they're both right," she said after some deliberating.

The man let out a chuckle. "Well, now, isn't that very post-modern of you? Einstein would have been disappointed."

"I thought Einstein was Mr. Relativity," she asked. "Why would he be offended by something seeming equivocal?"

Shaking his head, the science teacher replied, "No, no, no… Einstein's theories of relativity are not about being equivocal or wishy-washy or any of this new-age mumbo jumbo. You may be surprised to know that Einstein was chiefly concerned with the Absolute."

"How so?"

"Take special relativity, for instance," he said. "The term relativity comes from the relationship between space and time. These two things are indeed relative. But Einstein discovered this characteristic not by a weakened view of either component… but rather by his strengthened view of another component: light. Light, he determined, travels at 186,282 miles per second no matter who is observing it, no matter where they're observing it from, and no matter how fast they are going when they observe it. You could say that he took 'absolute' to a whole new level."

"So what is your question about grammar again?"

"Right… good or well? Well or good? Which is right?"

"Both."

A slight grin formed on one side of his face. "Are you absolutely certain about that?"

"Yes. Because it's not the contradiction you think it is. You think the two sentences sound weird because grammatically they're completely different. The terms good and well are different parts of speech and, thus, play totally different roles in your sentences."

"Like time traveling twins who were born at the same time but meet later in life having lived completely different spans of time?"

"I highly doubt it. 'Good' is an adjective, which means that it modifies a noun. 'Well', on the other hand, is an adverb, meaning that it modifies some other part of speech besides a noun… often a verb."

"Holistic approach my ass…"

"Think about it this way- The phrase 'he did something good' would be an acceptable answer if the question were 'what did he do?' On the other hand, the phrase 'he did something well' would be an acceptable answer if the question where 'how did he do it?' How and what are completely different questions, requiring vastly different answers.  Because of this, both options are reasonable correct in a certain situation."

"Hmm. That makes a fair amount of sense, I suppose. But what about this one… if I wanted to combine these two 'acceptable' answers into one, would I say 'he did something good well' or 'he did something well good'?"

The English teacher frowned deeply. Now she was stumped.

Within moments a philosophy teacher in the corner perked up and joined the conversation. "I think the one who asks the question which calls for one of your two responses is mistaken in his fundamental assumptions about the human condition."

The science teacher and the English teacher turned to him. They were going to need another cup of tea.

The philosophy teacher continued, "We humans have the capacity, you see, to do something good and also the capacity to do something well. But these capacities are, as a general rule, mutually exclusive. One can seek to conduct himself in a way that brings about a good end result OR one can seek to conduct himself in a way that gets to results (whatever they may be) in the most efficient manner possible. But the closer you move towards pursuing one, the farther you become from the other. It's a fundamental tradeoff."

An excited thought leapt into the mind of the science teacher. "Like simultaneously determining both the location and the trajectory of a particle!" he exclaimed.

After pondering the thought for a moment, the philosophy teacher looked at him and said, "Exactly."