Chronicles (Part III): Treacherous Waters Indeed

As I mentioned in the introduction to this site, my departure from England occured some time ago. I’m collecting and sharing these posts now because I have moved past the place of pure frustration and confusion to a place of increased perspective. Again, my journey is not yet complete. But perhaps I’ve seen a sufficient amount along the way that I can now more safely navigate the waters. That said, I don’t want to ignore the fact that I’ve crossed paths with my fair share of dangerous lands- most, if not all, of which were intentionally approached (you can decide for yourself the wisdom of these decisions).

So before I share with you the experience of the seasoned yachtsman, I feel compelled to share the (in)experience of the foolish runaway. Just like Chesterton felt in recounting his voyage, many of these “chronicles” are somewhat embarassing to me now- just as, I’m sure, my current ones will be at a later time. But the point of this endeavor is not to preserve my pride. It is to be honest…

I’ll be posting seven pieces from the early parts of my journey.

10/06/2006

The problem with religion is that everything about it can be seen in two lights. Perhaps this problem extends to all things in all aspects of life, but that doesn’t really concern me. I only care about the existence and character of God. What I mean is that religion both relies upon and is undermined by the fact that it cannot be explained by reason. On the one hand, if I knew everything there was to know about God, then he would cease to amaze me… and I imagine there would no longer be a need for him. But, on the other hand, the mystery (that is the good word for it) can just as rationally lead to disbelief. God, by his nature, will not be proven. However, that is also the nature of myths and fairy tales. It is a complete paradox.

I want to know the truth, but when I find out the truth it no longer amazes me. When it no longer amazes me, I no longer put my faith in the other aspects that I don’t understand. I can’t turn back, yet going on is even more hopeless. “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free,” says the Bible. Then why is the world so full of doubt? Why is nothing certain? Why, after many years of studying and putting my faith in this thing do I know the truth even less than when I began? “Seek and you shall find”??? Bull crap! I’ve sought as hard as I can. I’ve been seeking even when I didn’t know it, and I’ve found nothing but more questions. Well, thanks a lot, God. If you do exist, then I have no doubt you know what you’re doing. If you’re real, then I have no doubt that in a few years this will be a thing of the past. If you’re real, I see how this will all turn out for the best.

But where does that leave me? Is this a learning experience? Am I maturing through this “phase” of my walk? I really hope so. But, God, if you’re not careful… and I want to believe you are… this learning experience may teach me the completely wrong thing. I do feel like I’m starting to be “educated”, but what I’m learning isn’t what I want. And I can’t imagine it's what you want. So please, God, I’m begging you… show me something, anything, that will get me out of this place. It’s not that I’m afraid of you not being beside me. It’s that I’m afraid you never were. I’m afraid you’re not beside anybody. I’m afraid it’s all a beautiful system that works like a charm 99.9% of the time. Please don’t be like the Wizard of Oz. Please don’t be some short guy pulling a bunch of gadgets and levers to make himself seem like he’s something he’s not. I’m not sure I can take finding out something like that. But then again, by the nature of my problem, I may never know one way or the other.